Half a century!
Isn't that supposed to feel and be special? Well, it does not. It does not even feel different from last year or before that or one even before before that!
What did I do in last one year that I feel is special for me? I started to cycle. I have never been one to do any sort of consistent physical activity. In the past decade, I have managed to keep up a somewhat healthy routine and mother nature has been kind to me. Doing any sort of "ultra" activity was just not my thing, but I did manage to start cycling. When I had begun, I had aimed to be able to do a 200km brevet before my 50th birthday. I achieved that goal within 90 days. I quickly moved further ahead and completed a 300 km brevet. This encouraged me to upscale my target, and I wanted to attempt being a Super Randonneur, that entails doing 200, 300, 400, and 600 km brevet in a single season. This was not to be for various reasons. One of them being a recent affliction of Sciatica. I will try to do it in the upcoming season.
What has changed?
A 30 year old me would have been bitterly disappointed at not becoming a super randonneur, at 50 I say that I will try in my 51st year to do that. Perspective on things has changed, I am not in a competition. I realise, I never was in a competition, and no one ever is. It is a journey. Failures are lessons, no one other than you feels that it is shameful. Now I don't either. Failures are opportunities to refactor. This in turn allows me to truly appreciate and feel happy about the successes of people around me.
A 30 year old me would be disappointed to know that at 50 I still "work" and wish continue to work till I can. A 30 year old me would be incredulous at my saying money rapidly becomes irrelevant to happiness. A 30 year old me would be in disbelief if I admitted to being in a depression and then coming out of it after some hard work. A 30 year old me would be in a panic if I said I still have bitter fights with Swati. It's not so bad, just shows we are still individuals. A 30 year old me would not understand why I am so forgiving and empathic.
A 30 year old me would be proud of me as a husband, a parent and proud of my son. A 30 year old me would happy that all my plans succeeded, yes those dreams were in fact plans.
Things don't change overnight, it takes some effort to take a bird's eye view of your own life to get a perspective. In many ways, I am still trying, in many ways I have surpassed my own expectations. At 50 I can afford not to speculate on what will be.
At 50 I can say, What will be will be...